There is no exact blueprint on how to get to know our self, no external guide or map we can look at. The blueprint is our self. How to read the map means reading our self. The guide is our self and it will show us how to work through the various stages. From the first step to the last, it will be an individual journey. But what a journey!

As we let the process continue we begin to trust our self and we begin to trust the process. We begin to see familiar landmarks and we begin to see the bridges we need to cross. We get to know the rest stops on the way and we know with growing certainty that we are headed in the right direction.

It does mean changes, but all the resources necessary will be found in our self and we will find them waiting for us at each step. Not only will we find them waiting, we will find they have been there all along. There will be times of uncertainty when we turn back or stop along the way. When we are ready to begin again, we will find the resources are still there.

What does fear hold us back from? Being free. Self-expression. What do we want for ourselves in five years time? Who do we want to be? That person is not going to magically appear one morning. We must work towards being that person. It is a journey in ourselves to ourselves.

All the energy which has been used to suppress our self, can be freed for us to use in whatever way we wish. It is a gift of life which is waiting for all of us. The time will come again for change, far less dramatically, but come again it will and there will be new challenges to meet. This call for growth is part of the evolutionary development in all of us. It is a question of how honest we are being with ourselves, but this honesty is the way of self determination. Of individuation.

It is our choice.

*109\94\8*

Her depression would deepen in December, made worse by memories of a child she had lost in that month many years before and the departure of her children, who would spend time with her ex-husband during part of the holiday season. The approach of the holidays compounded her misery, making her anxious that she would not be able to celebrate Christmas properly with her two children. At times she was unable to get her Christmas cards out and make all the necessary preparations for the holidays, which would leave her feeling guilty and inadequate as a mother and despairing that things would ever turn out as she wanted them to. She would become reclusive and not want to venture out at all. When she did go out, she would hide in a corner and if someone spoke to her, would nod her head but not really participate. At these times, the world would look completely black to her and at times suicide would beckon to her as a welcome relief from her pain.

Things would improve in January, which was lighter and brighter in part because of the sunlight reflected off the snow, and she found it easier to get through. February, on the other hand, was dark once again and she would only begin to emerge from her depression in a solid and predictable way when March arrived. For the rest of the year she was fine.

Sarah first saw a psychiatrist for treatment of her depression when she was in her twenties. A major factor contributing to her difficulties was the death of her father at age 13 and unresolved feelings around that. Later troubles included the death of a child when she was 31 years old and a ‘horrendous’ divorce. Despite helpful psychotherapy, her cyclical depressions persisted and she was given anti-depressant medications to deal with them. Unfortunately she was unable to handle any of the synthetic antidepressants that were tried. Prozac and other medications caused her heart to beat rapidly and did not feel right for her body. She had always been very sensitive to medications of all kinds; even extra-strength paracetamol would make her feel ‘high’, spacey and giddy.

One type of treatment that helped her a great deal, without any side-effects, was light therapy. She obtained a special light box and would begin to use it from the end of October. She would sit in front of the light, for half an hour in the morning while eating breakfast and half an hour in the evening at dinner-time. The first year she used the light box she managed to get her Christmas cards out on time and was actually able to plan a New Year’s party. But even though the light box prevented her from hitting the bottom of her depression, she still felt low and the world still looked dark and grey to her.

About 18 months ago Sarah, who describes herself as ‘a child of the 1960s’, heard about St John’s Wort, which appealed to her because of its herbal nature. She began using it during one of her depressions. Almost immediately she noted a levelling out of her moods and enjoyed not being seesawed by her customary highs and lows. For the sake of convenience, she changed her dosing schedule so that rather than taking the St John’s Wort in two lots she took a day’s dosage just once in the morning, and found that to work equally well for her. Now she was able to deal with her problems and feel in a stable and upbeat mood, free of depression all year round. She sings the praises of St John’s Wort to ‘all kinds of people’.

St John’s Wort clearly helped Sarah’s winter depressions enormously and she was now able to get her cards out early and look forward to the Christmas season. Christmas time, which had formerly been so very difficult for her, now no longer seemed like a black season. She still sits in front of her light box during the winter even though she doesn’t feel it is really essential.

*25\75\2*